Tuesday, March 3, 2009

heart broken open...

i was going to post the results of my weekend adventure with the twiggleberry-dews, but that will have to wait until tomorrow...i had such a profound experience during my meditation this morning, i feel compelled and led to share a portion of the awakening...


'heart broken open' - 2009, journal sketch

i do not usually bring something so personal to this place but i am encouraged to believe that it just might help others who are struggling with something at this very moment...

during my meditation i was feeling heartbroken, desolate and in pain...both physically and spiritually...as i look inward, i find that i am unable to ask for help and, even when it is offered, i find it difficult to accept...yet, i have the capacity to willingly offer and give help as empathy is a large thread running through my nature...and i admit that i might, just might, need help at this time...

while journaling after my meditation this morning, i had a moment of clarity when i wrote, "the brokenness of my heart might, just might, be necessary for me to open my heart and accept help from God, friends, and even the universe."...albeit a forced opening, but an opening nonetheless....

'heart in a box' - 2007, acrylic on paper

now this opening of my heart is extremely painful...no, it is excruciatingly painful to the point i want to keep my heart in a box so it will be protected (actually it has been in a box for most of my life...you can read about it here and here...and even here...I write about trust issues a lot)

so my heart must be broken in order for it to heal...healing comes on gentle whispers to me, not in a roaring flood...healing is a gradual, sometimes difficult and almost always painful, journey for me...

'pieces of my heart' - 2009 acrylic on canvas

this opening up and pouring forth from my heart to yours is perhaps necessary for my healing to begin for a step toward acceptance begins the long journey into healing...from what was a small fissure, the tiny crack in my heart seemed to grow and the pieces of my heart were flung asunder...like a million tiny stars that blanket the sky on a clear night....

gathering these pieces of my heart together, fusing and mending it slowly is where the healing is leading me...that tiny fissure that i thought was bad and frightened me at first glance...is perhaps best viewed as a good thing, a necessary thing...for true authentic healing comes by going through the pain and coming out on the other side better...stronger...more alive...

i am not writing today in sadness or self-pity...that road has taken me nowhere over the past year...i write wholly within acceptance and awareness of my smallness in this vast universe of ours...embracing the fact that i am in the midst of healing...my spirit and my life...and it is painful...

my heart is indeed broken open...pouring forth to those of you who are ready to hear my story...and begin your own journey...

if you like this post and other here, i would love you to become a follower of my blog...please click the link at top right column...and i promise to keep the posts thoughtful and artful...



5 comments:

Britt-Arnhild said...

Dear Rebecca.
Thank you for this post.
Our bishop had a speach yesterday about beauty which often must be seen and lived through pain. Gave me alot to think about.

Carla J Schuchman said...

I thinkest I am seeing light, a very very bright light. I thinkest it is coming from you!

tangled stitch said...

It seems to be a universal thing cre8tiva. I guess as our country and our world have to heal so do we. I guess we get the gift of art and we must make a payment in pain every once in a while. Hope you feel better and thanks for sharing your heart.

Peggy Alborn said...

Somewhere along the way I think I came to know that a broken heart, although it causes emotional pain and spiritual questioning, is actually quite a beautiful thing, showing us our capacity to love unconditionally. Only something you love(d) deeply can cause you that much discomfort. This is just one of the rich human emotions we are all meant to feel and it is important to us to allow ourselves to feel it so that we may grow as ourselves. I am not discounting that it is an unpleasant feeling, but if you can find a way to get on the other side of it, maybe step out of it and look at it, there is a purpose for it, and it is good.

rivergardenstudio said...

Thank you for sharing this... and thank you for your lovely comment on my blog... your words are beautiful and full of hope. Roxanne

There was an error in this gadget