this has been a very difficult week for me...i am a creature of habit...change can be disruptive...the majority of us do not change until we are very uncomfortable or in much pain...in Twelve Step programs they call it the bottom...and reaching the bottom is the start of change....
Logo of The Bipolar-Manic Depression WebRing someone very close to me had to be hospitalized for what we now know is manic depression...we reached a collective
bottom this week...he to the crazies and me to the end of my rope... it came as desperation with much pain and discomfort for us both...i am not an expert on this disease, but i can relay from my experience the chaos and heartbreak that an undiagnosed and untreated soul brings with them...
nothing is peaceful in a life with them...it is either fast and furious or the end of the world...there is no middle ground and no calm relaxing time...to love them is to be swept up in the chaos that is their life...and, eventually if you do not get help, you are so focused on them that you can lose yourself...
the normal that becomes your life together is not normal to anyone watching...a friend related a recent incident at a restaurant where he was singing
puff the magic dragon one minute and ten minutes later cursing the entire state because he could not find a job...she was convinced that he was on drugs...and that i as in denial...
Photo from ecademy.comfor me, i tried to create a normal life for us...make a home and a safe haven...but days, months and years of this roller coaster existence eventually became my normal also...you begin to think that singing one minute and cursing the next and laying in bed for months is normal...so it took his doctor to tell me that i was enabling him...to shake me out of my stupor...
enabling...it became crystal clear to me at that moment...almost...
but how do i un-enable...when providing and care taking and loving until it is better is such a part of who i am...i am a fixer by nature...a real idea person...let's try this or this...i come from a place where this negative behaviour would never have been tolerated, even a little...my mother was a "pick yourself up and dust yourself off" and a "dry your eyes and put on some lipstick" fake it till you make it kind of person...you could not wallow in the depths for too long...self-pity was unheard of in my mother's world...which was such a pain for my drama queen self...
consummate researcher that i am, i took to google to find out what enabling is exactly...defined as giving someone the means, resources or authority to make something possible....well, this sounds positive to me...except when applied to a manic depressive because it means giving them the resources or authority to stay sick...it also is doing for someone what they can and should be doing for themselves....this gets trickier in a relationship because things like buying food and paying the bills keeps me well fed and comfortably sheltered, but it also keeps him from getting the help he needs...i thought i was helping...
so what is the difference between helping and enabling?
-enabling is providing an atmosphere within which another person does not have to take personal responsibility...it is parenting someone who is old enough to parent themselves and who is not a child of yours anyway...it is an over-stepping of what would be considered healthy boundaries...instead it is a lack of boundaries...thus, enabling is doing anything for someone else that they 'should' be able to do (and need to do) for themselves....
-helping someone consists of giving assistance or lending an ear, after having been asked...and doing so without giving direction or advice...and without having any stakes in the outcome of the choices a person makes....thus, helping someone is rendering assistance after having been asked...
the difference is what the outcome is for the person receiving the help...is it a one time help or is it something that teaches them to rely on me....enabling prevents them from hitting the bottom or getting the help they need...
my copy of van gogh self-portrait...article on van gogh md is here...These may be the most productive questions i ever asked myself:
- Can my loved one do this for himself?
- Are my actions effectively shielding him from the (full) consequences of his behaviors
If the answer is “yes,” you are enabling...and i am enabling!!!
here is the tricky part...i found this very interesting article that slammed my face right into the mirror of looking at myself..."The core root of the problem of enabling rests with one's own inability and or refusal to help him/herself....what many are seeking to do in the 'helping' of someone else is to avoid their own problems, issues and or avoid meeting their own needs." the article continues, "So firstly, it is important to make sure that you are meeting your own needs and taking personal responsibility for yourself. In order to meet your own needs and to be responsible for yourself you will need to develop boundaries. As one begins to develop boundaries and a healthy sense of the difference between self and others then and only then can one begin to truly learn the difference between helping and enabling".
photo from here... that boundary thing again...it has come up in my life before...i have never been good at making them or maintaining them...when we enable, we put other people's needs before our own....this was a very meaningful statement for me...checking in with my myself and my motives is helping me discover why i am enabling...is it my need to feel in control and is there some part of me that likes the chaos...i am still working on this one...
enabling gives us a false sense of control...we do what society tells us a 'good' father, mother, husband, wife, son, daughter or friend should do...but when we are not getting the results we desire...we feel frustrated and resentful...when the persons' behavior does not change, we think we have failed...our actions, done with the best of intentions, have created or contributed to exactly what we don't want...
herein lies the circle of enmeshment...if you are in this situation with someone else..and you do not have healthy boundaries...nor does the other person...it is a recipe for a lot of pain...as two people try to live through each other instead of living their own lives....wow!
there is a saying that we change not when we see the light, but when we feel the heat...having to face the consequences of our behaviors is 'the heat', the motivator to make a change...so when i enable, i effectively turn down the heat and deny him and myself the learning associated with the consequences... hummmmmmmmmmm...
tomorrow i begin the process of learning to distinguish between helping someone and enabling them with the help of a therapist...realizing and admitting that i have a problem is not easy for me, but it is a step toward my own healing...and i am willing to step out on the path to where i will no longer feel the need to enable or to be enabled....
when taking responsibility for our own behavior...each one of us must find our own path...so my path may not be your path...experience teaches us that it is useless to lay out a path for someone else to follow...and i am not doing that...i am just trying to
help enable share my journey with you....
Don't forget to visit my other blog,The Artist as a Spiritual Explorer
here...
my research led me here...www.jewishaddictionservices.orghttp://www.co-anon.org/enable.htmlhttp://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/borderline_personality/57270http://scienceblogs.com/neurophilosophy/2007/11/van_gogh_manic_depression.phphttp://t.webring.com/hub?ring=bipolarmanicdep1http://www.ecademy.com/node.php?id=78656
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