Sunday, April 6, 2008

A Journey Into Isolation...

And the winner is...my dear attitudy judy...enjoy!!! Your package will be winging it's way to you tomorrow...before i forget...thank you to all who entered and who spoke about who my blog is for... some changes are brewing in the next few months...

our island home

Sunday Musings...
the first few months of 2008 has been a test of huge proportions...i have had to face some difficult truths about myself in the process...enabling/ co=dependent/ fixer that i am...it has been a strange journey for me...my journey into isolation and doubt and fear, unimaginable fear...

as promised, i will chronicle my journey this year...the journey began soon after Christmas...while the public, edited chronicling began on January 20th with the entries about my loved one (mlo)...these will continue with my perspective and truth...

getting to the core of who we are requires us to step far outside our individual comfort zone...i have been far out of mine these past few months...what i have come to understand during this process is:

each of us must simply find our own way...

i have also come to understand that i care most intensely about intimacy in my relationships and with my God...i long for real life connections...with the people, the places, and the feelings that connect me to God...and comprise the midst of the mystery of myself and my place in this universe...which I may never completely comprehend...

to progress, i must always go within...it is a survival technique for me...during this inward process, wounds that i did not consciously know i had, have surfaced...subconscious strangleholds which are limiting my growth..i am healing them one by one...or attempting to...with the help of a few close friends and support from you, my blog friends...

the circumstances have also shattered my thoughts of reality...how i 'thought' my life was...this perception gave me great comfort...a desire to remain in 'the way things were'...i imagine, just as a suddenly-widowed woman has to mourn the loss of her partner as well as her life and life style...i have had to struggle with this reality...even though i did not bury mlo...i have lost him non the less...and the life style i had grown so comfortably complacent with...is no more...and i mourn...

although i am sad, i am also learning things about myself...i am discovering strength i did not know i possessed...yesterday, i drove to atlanta (13+hours round-trip) to get his prescriptions filled at his hmo...one of his prescriptions was $684, another $384, another $170, and another $19.95...we could only afford 5 days worth ($340+)...so i had no choice but to make the trek to fetch his necessary, life-saving pills...they were $120 from the hmo...driving is far outside my comfort zone...my 1994 car has less that 85,000 miles on it...that is approximately 5,600 miles per year...i don't drive much...

seasons of life...
you know how you know something, but think if you don't voice it, it may not happen...i have been doing this for some time now...not voicing...avoiding...seasons end...things progress...the old dies and is replaced with new growth...i am saying goodbye to many seasons this year...my season as editor of this magazine is coming to an end...11 years taking it from a newsletter to a beautiful 4-color publication is my legacy to the world of art...

i am also facing the truth that my season in our beautiful little island home is coming to an end...i am in the process of searching for a place where i can earn enough to support myself...the jobs available here are the $8 - $10/hour kind that will not pay my first mortgage...the graphic design job that i spoke of here never materialized...just minimal freelance work...not enough to keep me here...

this house has been a haven of peace for me...when i was teaching and traveling so much in the early 2000s...i would come here to relax and unwind...i will miss it's happiness and calm...

some interior shots...i promised them for some time now...click on each to enlarge...

the front entry

come in...the great room looking out on lanai

the dining room (my mural)

a fav vignette

breakfast room

kitchen

the great room looking into the library/music room at right...move-in day

my beloved books...library/music room - sir chancelot in chair

my beloved piano - mlo plays for me

peaceful master

my peaceful fountain area of lanai

i will need much strength in the near future...as my normal is replaced with a new normal...i will need the support of my family and my friends as i move and reorder my life and my business...homes and possessions can be replaced...relationships form the core of my happiness...i am learning detachment...the journey continues...


Don't forget to visit my other blog, The Artist as a Spiritual Explorer click here...

29 comments:

Kari & Kijsa said...

Rebecca-

Our hearts go out to you during this difficult time...we are glad today's scripture spoke to you. Hopefully a little of His quiet settled upon you today.

blessings,
kari & kijsa

paris parfait said...

Oh Rebecca, your post made me cry. I'm so sorry for all the painful changes you're enduring - but I trust that you will find your peace. And upheavals/moves may seem devastating, but often they result in something better, for all concerned. You will find your path - even if it seems far from what you had initially imagined. Sending you big hugs and much love, my wise, beautiful, brilliant friend. xoxox

miss magpie-pixie said...

My dearest Rebecca ,
with all your personal problems and now having to move from your beautiful home , my heart reaches out to you . I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through , but i hope you do find the needed strength to rise above this , even though at times you may not feel you will surface - you WILL do , and have some much needed happiness and bliss in your life - and your family .
And sorry i missed your blogaversary !

you`re in my thoughts

xxx

Barbara said...

in Germany we have a special poem ..I like it ..and I believe that its true....
"It is not necessary to walk always the same street...but its necessary to change the street when time is coming..."
So its ok when things are changing because you are on the right way...
HUGS barbara

Abby Creek Art said...

Rebecca...I agree with Barbara, I think you're on the right path. Change is so hard though especially when it involves things you are used to, rely on and cherish.

You will land in a peaceful, better place though...this I'm sure of. Hang in there and know you have lots of support out here! xox

Leslie said...

Oh dear Rebecca. How difficult to deal with your loved one's trials and also to leave your beautiful home! I am so impressed by the strength and resolve with which you move forward though. You will land in a happier place I am sure. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

xo

Sherry G. said...

Rebecca, my heart is heavy this afternoon with all that you are going through. When I have had to endure trials and tribulations throughout my life and have felt at times like the world was just crashing down around me, my cousin would always tell me this - "don't ask for fewer burdens - ask for broader shoulders". God knows what we can handle.

NeereAnDear said...

Hi Sweet one... I am sorry I have been so absent... I havent been around to visit many lately...

I can sympathize and identify with what you are going through and I will support you emotionally and with love and friendship as and when you need it...

HUGS TO YOU AND LOTS OF LOVE

JO

Pam Aries said...

Dear Rebecca! I believe that life gives us the experience we need at the moment to help us learn...sometimes it is tough...really tough. I think that's why I am feeling so right about my NEW journey! I have been through so many crappy times in my life..been so down and out. What ever you are going through at this moment ..remember something better is coming ! A new adventure!

Lea said...

I believe in you Rebecca and your sweet spirit and your relationship with the Divine... Yes, when you come to CA, it will be wonderful to rock hunt together and share in celebrating life, and all that life encompasses... XO

suze said...

Rebecca, I am so sorry to hear this news. My heart also goes out to you. I have been in a similar situation, when I was young and first married. My husband walked out on me and our three year old daughter, never to be seen or heard from again. And to this day I don't know why. And now living here in OK, I feel that we could lose everything at a moments notice with these tornado's. Life is so uncertain but with faith and support we get through it.
Sending hugs your way-
suze

suzi finer said...

living with the knowledge (and experience) that all can be lost in a moment, and that all can be amazingly fortunate a moment later, is a horrible reality. I myself tend to live in my own reality much of the time, where I choose to ignore the bad and focus on the good. I am choosing to focus on everything good right now for you, and truly believe deep down that a door of opportunity is there for you (just gotta get that damn lock undone!)
...thinking of you even when I can't check in as often as I'd like lately...
sending you love.

see you there! said...

Change and and an uncertain future throw most of us for a loop. I admire your courage and wish only the best outcome for you.

Darla

corina said...

sorry I am to late for your blog anniversary, but my thoughts are with you wishing you all the best!

Sharon said...

Hi Rebecca, I enjoyed the tour and am wishing you happiness.

ShabbyInTheCity said...

Beautiful home Rebecca...I'll be praying for you :)

rochambeau said...

Dear Rebecca,
I'm sorry you are in the midst of so much change in your life at once. I think I know you well enough to guess that you will turn all this into good for yourself and all those you encounter.

Sending love,
Constance

Vallen said...

I know you'll be fine and in the blink of an eye you'll know it, too.

judie said...

Your strong spirit will bring you through these times. Many of us have had to face bad times and we always survive. You will too. And you will find a happy place wherever you go...for I know ...that you know ...you can feather your nest wherever you go with your own spirit. It's hard to let go of familiar comfort, but hopefully you can think of this as a new adventure and look forward to it! xoxoxo

The Artful Eye said...

Rebecca, you are a strong and courageous woman. These have been challenging times but as you already know we are made stronger by these experiences and change is always good. It gives us a fresh perspective.

Sending blessings with peace and encouragement.
xox Andrea

Mary Timme said...

I dislike change! I resist change! I never seem to go into changes easily or gracefully as I wish I did. Me, I stcratch and claw my way through, even in the love of my spiritual father I resist. I'm such a hellion of a rebel. You seem to be doing well, but I have often found that the rebuilding of a life on strong foundations is better the second time or (in my case, 18th) as long as the foundation is sound. Your's is!

Melissa @ The Inspired Room said...

Sending you more {HUGS}

xo

Sandra Evertson said...

Beautiful home! And Congrats on one year blogging!
Sandra Evertson
P.S.
Love the blog banner!

Doe Grozs Art said...

Trust.
Trust that God/Universe is preparing you, creating a new path for futher awakening. We cannot always know, but we can trust.(seems to be my current lesson). Your mural is beautiful! I've done murals that were selling points of a house...and this one sure is.
May your next step bring you all that closer to the peace joy you deserve.
Sending a heart full of love and light to you and your son.
Doreen
p.s. I'm reading A New Earth and am finding it to be very helpful.

AnnieElf said...

Oh Rebecca, how heart-wrenching this is. It is all a sort of death and with "death" comes new life. Cliche, I know, but so true. The otherside of things has something great waiting for you. Thank you for sharing your home with house. Your future retreat will be equally wonderful I'm sure.

Britt-Arnhild said...

Good luck and blessings Rebecca.

A Fanciful Twist said...

Rebecca, my heart feels your pain!! All my love and support!!! xoxoxo

She Who Flies said...

Holding the space for you, Rebecca, as you make those changes your life and your soul require. I can feel your pain, but also your clarity and your strength. I wish you smoother months ahead and the perfect unfolding of your dreams and intentions. One thing I know is that we are, at any time, walking the path we're meant to walk... but that doesn't mean we can't redirect the course of our life by choosing to take a turn that calls to us, that holds more light, more promise and more peace.

xoxo
Chantal

My Time to Blossom said...

You are a great example of strength and inspiration. Thank you

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