Thursday, March 13, 2008

The SuperWoman Drama Queen's Demise...

we all have super powers...right? Me...the consummate drama queen super woman has met her match...LIFE smacked me upside the head and may have caused the demise of the drama queen that was moi!!!

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF)

You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.
You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.
You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.

Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.
You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.
Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.

In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.
At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.
With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.
As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.

On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

i am not sure i will ever be the same again...there seems no place to find peace of mind...i am sad and crying one moment...angry the next...scared out  of my wits the next...all my emotional nerve endings are exposed and raw...i have lost the ability to cope...and i am in pain...

at some point during the 2 weeks i was on suicide watch...i tried to pick my loved one up in a chaise lounge...i broke the chaise...and i broke me...i have a torn ligament in my pelvis and caused a hernia...when it became impossible for me to take even a few steps without excruciating pain...i went to the emergency room...and i have been ordered to bed rest...the pain pills are not working on the pain, but they do allow me to sleep...the anti inflammatory seems to work better...

this is what the idealist does when control is out of her capabilities...and the idealist drama queen crashes into a giant pity party...weeping endlessly...wildly angry...and finally falling into a restless, fitful sleep...

tomorrow is the family meeting with my loved one and his therapists...i am supposed to speak my truth...for, i am assured,  that will be the only way to begin the healing process...i am angry that he decided to check out of our life...i am sad about the same thing...and terrified about what the future holds or even if there is a future...his abstract negativity and hopelessness seem to suck the air out of the world...i find it very difficult to breathe...

i know that after a very dark, difficult time there is some large transition planned for you...we must trust God, even when engulfed in darkness and doubt....that trust thing bad do things have to get for me to begin to trust??? is that my lesson??? 

"We must live", says the pastor in Ingmar Bergman's Winter Light to a man contemplating suicide. "WHY must we live?" retorts the man. This question occupies a central place in Bergman's art and life, as indeed it should in the life of every human being. In answer to this question, the pastor in Winter Light says nothing and lowers his eyes, indicating in this way the impotence of faith to supply the answer to this most important question. *

this disquieting question, which demands introspection and self-examination, is what i have been struggling with for some time...the complete impotence one feels when you love someone contemplating their own suicide...the inability to reach them and make them give a damn...the realization that loving them is not enough...and loving you is not a reason for them to live...

In Bergman's "The Hour of the Wolf" there is a remarkable scene, in which a few moments from Mozart's "Magic Flute" are depicted on the stage of a miniature theater. The opera's main character, in the course of his quest, finds himself engulfed in complete darkness and cries out:

"Eternal night,
when willst thou flee?
When will mine eyes
The daylight see?"

After a moment of desperate silence, he receives the answer from afar: "Soon, soon...or never."

these harsh explorations have become part and parcel of my life this year...i bring them here for people to understand that mental illness should be spoken of...these are not bad people...just very sick people...and if you let them they can make you sick also...when will my eyes daylight see???

Don't forget to visit my other blog,The Artist as a Spiritual Explorer here...there is a lot of art and good stuff there...



KaiBlue said...

Aloha Rebecca,
I hope your injuries from the chase lounge are healing. It sounds like you have a long road to get to the route of what ailes you.
Your eyes have seen the light, because you are getting help. It always your choice though just know If you need a hand to hold you..we are here.
The truth is a mighty healer.
Peace,love and understanding
Kai xx

Anonymous said...

Oh, Miss Rebecca. I am closing my eyes. Putting your hand in mine. I am sending you every bit of love I have to offer. And a basket full of prayers, made with deep feeling. I may be far, but I am there... xoxo

J C said...

Rebecca, I am so sorry you have hurt yourself. You have been through enough emotional pain lately and certainly did not need this physical addition. Please heal quickly. I pray your family "meeting" is an "intervention" and that your loved one will realize the love the family holds for him.

paris parfait said...

Rebecca, so sorry to read about your injury, in addition to all this emotional turmoil. Sending much love and many prayers your way - wishing lots of healing energy for you and yours. xoxox

smkyqtzxtl said...

I am sending prayers. I have been where you are, done what you are doing and survived. Part of what helped me was seeing a therapist myself so I didn't go under with my loved one, the other part was a course I took and now teach through the NAMI organization on mental illness in the family called Family to Family. It is an amazing course and is a tremendous support. I have been with my loved one over 25 years. The Nami course explains why diagnosis and meds are not always right. We have had that problem in our family. Knowledge is power. Nami is the National Alliance For Mentally Illness. Peace and Blessings

Lila Rostenberg said...

I took the test and came out idealist too! Mental illness is so hard to deal with, our own and others. Life is hard. Stay with it.
I love the work you did inspired by the tree branch bed! Now off to see your other blog!

Zorana said...

Dear Rebecca, I hope that you are trying to take care of yourself. You need the strength. I'm very sorry that things are not easier. Hoping for the best and thinking about you every day. xo

Melissa @ The Inspired Room said...

Still praying for you dear Rebecca, what a burden you are bearing. Do take care and be careful of yourself.