I am Still Here...

i am sure that those of you who regularly stop by have just about given up on me this time..i am sure that i would have...i do have a good excuse for being awol...i have been really ill...

butterfly outside studio the day i got sick

when i was teaching a weekend class and a week-long class in north carolina the first of august, i developed bacterial pneumonia that turned into toxic shock syndrome (the one that killed jim henson of muppet fame)...

students from my weekend class

according to emedicine.com mortality is high with toxic shock syndrome or septicemia - "a toxin-mediated multisystem disease precipitated by infection with either Staphylococcus or Streptococcus. The clinical syndrome is characterized by a rapid onset of high fever, hypotension, diffuse rash, severe myalgia, vomiting, diarrhea, headache, and nonfocal neurologic abnormalities."

according to my doctors, if i had waited another hour to go to the emergency room, there would have been nothing they could have done to save me...it was very scary because i was fine at dinner (6:30 PM)...during dinner i started to feel chilled...and for me that is very unusual because i am hot flash hot most of the time!!!

by 8:30 PM i was too sick to call for help or get an aspirin...i had body-wracking, teeth- chattering chills...severe pain throughout my entire body...i was confused and dazed...thank heaven someone returned to my lodging and helped me get to the hospital...and thank heaven the doctors and hospital were quick to act...

an angel watched over me

earlier in the day i thought i was getting a kidney infection...i was going to the bathroom a lot...and it was hurting worse than ever before with an UTI...i was teaching, so at noon i went and got some cranberry juice and some AZO tablets...they helped me make it through the rest of the class day...i was so very tired that i almost fell asleep at the teacher's meeting after class...i left early and went back to my room to rest...

i tell you about the UT symptoms because sometimes you can get referred pain from the lungs in the urinary tract...who would ever know that???

the first round of antibiotics and fever reducers did not work...i got much worse with a temperature over 104 degrees...that is when the ER doctor decided to get a chest x-ray...and the rest is history...i had to be in the hospital three days on two intravenous antibiotics... oxygen...fluids...and rest...

rest is the cure for pneumonia...and rest i am getting because i can't seem to do much else...

JCCFS musical saw students in concert

needless to say, i could not finish my week-long class...my students were wonderfully gracious and the staff at John C Campbell Folk School caring and kind...

i am back home in florida...recovery is slow...i am very weak and dizzy if i overdo...i am coughing a lot still and have chest pain...and lots of body pains due to the toxic shock...

a study for a portrait

however, i have been getting lots of work done for my future classes and workshops...writing a new book and starting a new magazine...and readying for a move sometime this fall...est of all, i have been doing lots of artwork and journaling...very therapeutic and meditative for me...

a self-portrait of me with my beloved sir chancelot

i am blessed to be alive and on the mend...and i have missed each of you...i will be around to see you soon...

breakthrough moments...

i wish a happy birthday to my beloved oldest son chip in san diego, ca...i love you! read more about chip here...

chip (standing by cameraman) with basketball great amare stoudemire

chip 4th from right...my neice darcy 3rd from left
this evening is the beginning of my estate sale...the last few weeks have been a blur of emotions and chaos...my sister, pat, came to my rescue thankfully...as i had become unable to make even a simple decision...here she is on the beach...


she helped me sort through 25 years of stuff...make some tough decisions and get some clarity about taking one step at a time...the first step is getting through this sale while maintaining some poprtion of sanity...

she insisted that i leave during the sale...so she brought me to her daughter darcy's (see above) beautiful home in wilmington, nc...we have been here since last friday...

the first few days i remained in the robotic, paralytic state i have been in for months...then something remarkable happened...late sunday/early monday (about 12:21 am) i was reading "a new earth" by eckhart tolle...on page 225-226 the darkness that has surrounded my being for seven months finally began to open up...and i found true peace, the peace of God...

it is not easy to put into words...i have been wrapped under layer after layer after layer of grief, sorrow, heart ache, pain, dread, and fear...these emotions engulfed me, overwhelmed me, surrounding me like a heavy burdensome shroud of darkness...i could not move, i could not think, i could not even breathe...this once strong woman was reduced to a shivering, paralyzed child, cowering in a corner rolled into the smallest possible fetal position...afraid to open my eyes......

i was only functioning on an instinctual level...unaware, unable to function on a rational level when major life decisions needed to be made...friends nor family could dig me out of this mire...i clung to God, but could not even hear his voice....

then it happened...suddenly, while meditating on the words "this, too, shall pass"...i had a breakthrough moment...obviously these black and gray layers of emotions had begun to shrink imperceptibly...to a point when they started to separate and tiny crevices of light and color opened up...in those inner spaces between the emotions i felt at peace....

this peace has no words to describe it...no painting to capture it...it is a place of pure love and freedom that i can only voice as the peace of God!...a stillness so complete and fulfilling that i never want to leave it...truly the highest happiness and completeness...complete serenity...pure, all-encompassing, primordial awareness...one with God and the universe....

it may be Gnosis, Nirvana, enlightenment, higher consciousness, Dzogchen...whatever it is, i stand forever changed for having experienced it...

the Buddha described nirvana as the perfect peace of the mind that is free from craving, anger and other afflictive states. This peace, which is in reality the fundamental nature of the mind, is revealed when the root causes of the afflictive states are dissolved.

this fiery life lesson may have been the path of purification for me...i have not been in this awareness long enough to give it a name...i just know that i am changed...and i see the world around me through a new paradigm...i am no longer attached to the things that i valued before...by choice and by circumstance...yet there is a perceived emancipation...a new sweetness to everything...i now have the foundations of mindfulness....

driving into a rainbow

my impermanent and suffering-prone worldly self (my giant ego) is beginning to diminish...and with it comes my place of peace at last...for this i am most blessed and gratful....

a changed soul...

all photos were taken on amelia island before 7AM this morning click on them to enlarge...

this month has been my epiphany...a shift in consciousness...a sudden realization and comprehension of the essence or meaning of my life as it is today...i discovered a few pieces of the puzzle and now am beginning to see the whole picture of my life experience take shape...

several things happened this month which helped me reframe my attitude and thoughts about this transitional period of my life... all of which came together to illuminate a deeper foundational frame of reference for me...

1. i hit bottom
2. my meditation of June 12 was Proverbs 13:12 "hope deferred makes the heart sick"... 
   
3.  Joyce Meyer - The Hope of Seeing Change
   
4.  Oprah show - The Secret Behind The Secret
   
5. Eckart Tolle's book - A New Earth
   
6. Marianne Williamson's A Course in Miracles day 162, I am as God created me.
   
7. To enjoy something it doesn’t mean you have to own it forever. — Letter Never Sent Blog

how did these events change me?

• i will not bore you with the icky details, but know that everything came together and formed a confluence of emotions that erupted within my soul and layed me low...i had feelings of lack...i 'felt' hopeless...
  

• "hope deferred makes the heart sick"...DUH!!!! this passage jolted my spirit into a new place...it has remained with me all week...i had chosen to defer, perhaps abandon, hope in my life..feeling hopeless is abandoning my faith....and living without hope had made my heart sick and, even worse, made me feel like a victim...the pity party has ended...i have taken the spiritual lesson that being a victim teaches...and i am stepping into and reclaiming  my power as a strong woman learning a perfect and necessary life lesson...

• on June 11-12 Joyce Meyer's lecture was on "The Hope of Seeing Change." i learned to see that my feeling of lack of hope was simply not trusting God...i was expecting nothing and getting just that…i was afraid to answer the phone or get the mail because i was believing that they brought bad news...as a result of listening to Joyce i stopped my stinkin' thinkin' attitude ...God has asked me to lay all this aside so He can do something 'within' me so He can do something 'through' me in the future...i need to stop being discouraged and wait with joyful anticipation to what is coming in my life... perhaps writing this will help someone else overcome adversity or sadness...

• i became resolved to not give up on myself, and renew my hopeful attitude...i decided to become a prisoner of hope...i am putting the negativity behind me...and am learning to be content with my circumstances...it is not my circumstance that steals my joy, it is my 'attitude' toward my circumstances that steals my joy...i can be happy where i am right now...if i will only believe! i am renewed and reenergized because i am not going to give up on the blessings God has for me in the future...i am resolved to enjoy the journey i am on today.... you can download her show and listen or watch

• on June 12 there was a repeat of Oprah's Go Beyond the Secret show... i have seen this show before but it had a much different impact on me this time...Louise Hay "You Can Heal Your Life"— believes things happen for a reason. "Life had something in store for him, but he wouldn't let go," she says. "So it took it away from him."...this so mirrors my life at this moment...Louise says that whatever you put into the universe—be it good or bad—will come back to you. "That's why I like to teach people to love themselves, just to love and adore who you are."

• Martha Beck " Finding Your Own North Star" & "Steering by Starlight"— said that when you set an intention in the shallows (a place of fear or desperation) you will not receive the desired result...you may get 'a' result, but not the 'best' result....you have let go of the desperation and come from a place of peace to get the desired result...and you must have a heart of expectancy.... "The classic example is King Midas. He thought he wanted everything he touched to turn to gold. Turns out that his wife and his child and his bed all became metal, so his core of peace didn't want that at all," Martha says. "It's meant to teach us not to grasp for things in the shallows because if they come true from there, they're not good for us. In his core of peace, what [Midas] wanted was love and that, if he'd gone there and made a list, he would have had love and gold and everything." 

• Cheryl Richardson-"The Unmistakable Touch of Grace" — said focusing on a goal and keeping it in mind regularly helps it happen. "Life is about more than SUVs and nice jeans." You need to chart your own spiritual evolution. 

Creating a vision board will help you focus. Waiting for stuff to magically manifest in your life will not work. Louise says a vision board can be a very effective tool. "It helps you to focus your thinking on what you want," she says. "When you do that, it's like the universe gives you ideas [on how to get it]."

Martha says she sees two reasons the vision board works—selective attention and quantum physics. "If you repeat the word, 'blue, blue, blue,' and you start looking around the room, all the blue things will start popping out," she says. "Part of it is quantum physics. We know now, scientifically, that consciousness brings matter into being where there was energy. So it's not even necessarily that it draws it toward you. The conclusion is you're literally creating some of this stuff."

Cheryl says the vision board's power also comes from the simple fact that it allows people time to focus and do something about their lives. "People say to me, 'Oh, I don't know about this law of attraction. I don't know if it really works.' I say to them, 'So, what have you done lately to test it?' 'Oh, well, I think about what I want,'" she says. "That's not good enough. You need to take specific action—make a list, do a vision board, start speaking what it is you want."

one of the biggest "Ah-Ha" moments for me is when Louise said, "Sometimes when things don't work, there's somebody you need to forgive," she says. "Any bitterness that we have in us can just stop the whole process. So we need to look around and say, 'All right, who do I need to forgive?' There's always somebody. "Forgiveness, however, does not mean you need to befriend the person who hurt you. You don't even have to condone their behavior," Louise says. "It's just that you let the whole thing go; you separate yourself from the experience."

another biggie for me was when Cheryl said that even though feeling like a victim is often looked down upon, it is simply a step in a spiritual journey. "Very often, it's when we feel the most like a victim that we are on the precipice of a catalyst for change," she says. Some victims may get stuck, but the possibility of change is there for them when they are ready. "When you're feeling like a victim, you are so close to being able to step over the line and reclaim the spiritual power that you have."  Martha says there are genuine victims, victimization has a boomerang effect. "The more victimized you were, the more powerful you become."

Summer School on Oprah.com - Get ready to be awakened! Sign up for Oprah and Eckart Tolle's exclusive online classes...this book and the discussion sessions have been life changing for me...and they came at the perfect moment in my life...the abundance section really hit home..."if the thought of lack ha become part of who i think i am, then i will ALWAYS experience lack"...abundance comes when you realize that you have always had it...how you react to challenges is a clear indication of your level of consciousness or lack of it...

Every day, Marianne Williamson takes you through one of 365 lessons of A Course of Miricles. this lesson-I am as God created me-helped me to accept today and what it brings to me as perfect... "As we exist today, an aging body reflects the heaviness of our pained and worried thoughts. As we begin to travel more lightly within the body, and our minds give up our constant preoccupation with body thoughts, aging becomes a different experience." — Excerpted from A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles  

"To enjoy something it doesn’t mean you have to own it forever." while i was searching for ways to accept the simplification of my life that is going on right now, i ran across this statement...it is helping me let go gracefully...and with joy in knowing that someone else will have the opportunity to enjoy the things i am letting go of...a higher purpose indeed...

Choosing to breathe through the negative things that happen...choosing to look at everything that happens as perfect because it has it necessary place and function in the universe...choosing to come from a place of peace...gives me a glimpse of the mystery of life...the unfolding of higher order and purpose...

a large life challenge is an invitation to higher consciousness or higher order...boy did i receive an engraved invitation this year...i have been acting as the small, unconscious me because my ego thinks it needs all these things to exist...i need to be fully  aware of my emotions, the strong egoic emotions, that i have thus far allowed to run my life...the more i see them a just the 'feelings' of my inflated ego, the sooner i can begin to live more consciously...

i have abundance...me, rebecca, has abundance right now...in this very instant...on reflection i have a smile, an ear to listen, a heart to love, praise, appreciation, assistance, loving care, hugs, respect, attention, time and much more in abundance...these flow through me outward into the universe...the resultant energy flows back to me also...the growth this has brought coupled with the wisdom garnered, contributed to the creation of  my life's mission statement while journaling this week — 

HOPE—GRATITUDE—VISION

To have HOPE keeps my heart alive...to be GRATEFUL for what i have feeds my soul...to have VISION gives me clarity...

I have HOPE for God's plan for me...
          I have GRATITUDE for ALL my life lessons...
                    I have VISION of a super, fulfilling and joy filled future...

For clarity and comfort as I move forward, I pray: "Never let someone else determine God's will for your life. No one else can understand God's unique call on your life as clearly as you can." —Ray Pritchard, "Leadership Lessons of Jesus: A Timeless Model for Today's Leaders"

i am feeling the connection to the higher order... knowing that every event in my life has been and will continue to be perfect and necessary and at its appropriate time...this has released a pure joy within me...i embrace the situation i find myself in now, even the grief and sadness, because i know it is necessary and perfect...my heart is full...i see God's hand at work and i marvel...i am finally at peace with my being, without knowing exactly why..."and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,..." Phil 4:7 ....i can hardly wait for what is in store for me...

...the journey continues...

Don't forget to visit my other blog, The Artist as a Spiritual Explorer click here...

Sir Chancelot...takes a dirt bath...

Chance on a roll...

to see full screen click here...and press button on bottom right corner...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i23eL5FWmCE

Music Shephard's Serenade by Brobdingnagian Bards

engagement photos...

My beautiful daughter had her engagement photos taken last weekend...look under casey and chris on seitz photo's blog...to see others...



they are way cool...

Think Small to Grow Big...

So you want to be a speaker. This is how I did it...

First, interact with event planners and the media to build relationships, network and let your presence be known…get yourself out…network…market…let them know you are the expert!

Stay open to ALL the possible opportunities that are available to you…set an intention and you will find them.

Opportunities come in many different forms. Sometimes the smallest opportunity can be one of the biggest stepping stones to success! Don’t turn down an opportunity just because you feel it isn’t big enough, or isn’t really your thing. 

1. Write to local & state industry associations in your target area. Nationals have a lot of competition.

2. Offer to write a monthly column in the indusrty/state associations newsletters. Getting a column gives credibility, builds brand awareness and builds relationship of sorts with the readers.

3. Optimist and Rotary both have monthly meetings and seek speakers. Can lead to other ops.

4. Co-sponsor an event with a former association or company. Charity events are excellent ways to build relationships and look for speaking ops. 

5. Look for fundraisers or school functions that might need help.

6. Sponsor an "event" with a local govt leader, mayor, senator, celebrity. They do the keynote and you  open and close. 

7. Offer to speak at a national ____ week event. (You fill in the blank)

8. Present a targeted exec with an award for some accomplishment. Good PR possibility for papers/magazines. Do a SOFTSELL during the presentation.

9. Contribute good content to Group Forums, Bulletin Boards or Discussion Groups. This can lead to telechats and seminars.

10. Sponsorships & Prizes can get you on the stage.

There is a great article here:

http://www.brandingonthenet.com/articles/booking-speaking-engagements.htm

I Heart You...

to all of you who have stood with me in this time of transition...i heart you...I offer a piece of my heart to you...for you have stamped a piece of your heart into mine...

i am sorting through everything this next month in readiness for my estate sale...the next 10 days are in the studio...clearing/organizing/detaching...it can be fun clearing away the fluff of your life...and it really is all fluff...I am taking one difficult step each day...and i am throwing in some creative time...walking on the beach every morning watching the sunrise over the ocean...returning to meditate each evening...

i am working on my second mermaid portrait...she is progressing nicely...i will have photos soon...

a friend reminded me that God never gives you more than you can handle...well, i am about to that point...but i BeLieVe, with my whole being, that this ego crushing process is necessary for me to grow into consciousness...being present every minute...weepy moments are less frequent...although acceptance is distant...i am able to stand in my emotions without being my emotions...that is progress indeed... 

the middle is not always the end...the journey continues...

Don't forget to visit my other blog, The Artist as a Spiritual Explorer click here...