we’ve decided to go in another direction...

No matter how the words “we’ve decided to go in another direction” are delivered, you instinctively know your life is changing. To loose your job is a lifestyle change. To loose two within a week is a life change.

This week I learned that my contract as the Editor-in-Chief of The Artistic Stenciler would not be renewed. My position was awarded to the mother-in-law of one of the organization's board of directors. Therefore, I must bid adieu to what has always been a labor of love for me. Not quite sure whether to laugh or cry, I am perplexed yet relieved, as the operational structure has presented major challenges in the past few years. As much as it hurts to let go…I know it is time.

I also had to leave my new job as it was, in no way, the right fit for me. It was sooooo wrong on sooooo many levels...

Nobody likes drastic change when it comes to his or her career. Americans, on average, spend 70% of their waking hours on work-related activities. We make our careers part of our lives and certainly our egos. When meeting a new person you hear, "What do you do?" within a few sentences.

Therefore, I find myself even deeper in the, “What now???” phase of my life transition. The past few months have been life altering for me–health issues, my significant other’s depression and suicide attempts and the ensuing loss of a companion and partner, growing financial concerns–need I say more…

Getting a pink slip is something I have not experienced and I am finding it mentally and emotionally stressful. I am switching between a negative “what am I going to do with myself” feeling of sorrow to a positive “what am I going to do with myself” feeling of adventure. What is the new direction for me?

I am aware that it will take time and strength to overcome the feelings of depression, tension, and anger. At times, I simply do not know how to react to the news and the other things that have occurred in my life these since Christmas.

Before reading Eckhart Tolle’s book about ego, I would have said that I don’t have much of an ego. After the first two chapters, I realized that I have an enormous ego. For the past decade I have been this, now I am not.

I am frustrated and confused about my complex emotions of fear, shame, and depression. For spiritually I know that I am not what I do or what job title I have. I am so much more…so connected with the life force that flows through the universe. So why, then, am I so darned upset???

Foremost on my mind, I have little left in my rainy day fund. That went in my $100,000 mistake move to Georgia in 2006. All the financial resources I have left are tied up in a house that may not be sell'able' in this down market. I may have to rent it until the market picks up again, but it will not be enough to cover the payments. And let’s not even mention the nearly four decades of ‘stuff’ I have amassed that will need to be dealt with.

The normally positive, happy-go-lucky spirit I am seems but a distant memory. The pick-myself-up-and-dust-myself-off attitude is waning. I want to have a temper tantrum–I don’t want to loose my home, or my stuff, or my lifestyle…but I can see no other way than to sell everything I have, move in with friends or family, and start all over again. Certainly not on my short list of life goals!!

I cannot afford to cocoon, as I so want to do. But my mind has shut down as a result of everything else that has happened this year. I feel numb and alone. A post traumatic stress sort of thing...Even thinking straight is difficult. Planning and executing 'any' action plan seems so beyond my capabilities at the moment. I am struggling to accomplish basic daily functions. And trying to keep my partner alive has drained me of the strength I need to save myself. I am surely adrift in my dark night of the soul...

This is the reason I have not updated my blog…I am in the throes of a giant pity party....which I have given myself permission to have all weekend...I am ashamed of my feelings and lack of abilities, as I have always been the one to see a dozen solutions to any given problem. And, for the life of me, I can’t come up with one solution...........

But I believe when I get through this...I will be a better human being...with a better grasp of my life's purpose....until then, please don't give up on me!

meanwhile, i have retreated into the studio where i find solace in creation...hopefully an answer/solution will come...i am learning detachment...the journey continues...

Don't forget to visit my other blog, The Artist as a Spiritual Explorer click here...