Friday, May 16, 2008

we’ve decided to go in another direction...


No matter how the words “we’ve decided to go in another direction” are delivered, you instinctively know your life is changing. To loose your job is a lifestyle change. To loose two within a week is a life change.

This week I learned that my contract as the Editor-in-Chief of The Artistic Stenciler would not be renewed. My position was awarded to the mother-in-law of one of the organization's board of directors. Therefore, I must bid adieu to what has always been a labor of love for me. Not quite sure whether to laugh or cry, I am perplexed yet relieved, as the operational structure has presented major challenges in the past few years. As much as it hurts to let go…I know it is time.

I also had to leave my new job as it was, in no way, the right fit for me. It was sooooo wrong on sooooo many levels...

Nobody likes drastic change when it comes to his or her career. Americans, on average, spend 70% of their waking hours on work-related activities. We make our careers part of our lives and certainly our egos. When meeting a new person you hear, "What do you do?" within a few sentences.

Therefore, I find myself even deeper in the, “What now???” phase of my life transition. The past few months have been life altering for me–health issues, my significant other’s depression and suicide attempts and the ensuing loss of a companion and partner, growing financial concerns–need I say more…

Getting a pink slip is something I have not experienced and I am finding it mentally and emotionally stressful. I am switching between a negative “what am I going to do with myself” feeling of sorrow to a positive “what am I going to do with myself” feeling of adventure. What is the new direction for me?

I am aware that it will take time and strength to overcome the feelings of depression, tension, and anger. At times, I simply do not know how to react to the news and the other things that have occurred in my life these since Christmas.

Before reading Eckhart Tolle’s book about ego, I would have said that I don’t have much of an ego. After the first two chapters, I realized that I have an enormous ego. For the past decade I have been this, now I am not.

I am frustrated and confused about my complex emotions of fear, shame, and depression. For spiritually I know that I am not what I do or what job title I have. I am so much more…so connected with the life force that flows through the universe. So why, then, am I so darned upset???

Foremost on my mind, I have little left in my rainy day fund. That went in my $100,000 mistake move to Georgia in 2006. All the financial resources I have left are tied up in a house that may not be sell'able' in this down market. I may have to rent it until the market picks up again, but it will not be enough to cover the payments. And let’s not even mention the nearly four decades of ‘stuff’ I have amassed that will need to be dealt with.

The normally positive, happy-go-lucky spirit I am seems but a distant memory. The pick-myself-up-and-dust-myself-off attitude is waning. I want to have a temper tantrum–I don’t want to loose my home, or my stuff, or my lifestyle…but I can see no other way than to sell everything I have, move in with friends or family, and start all over again. Certainly not on my short list of life goals!!

I cannot afford to cocoon, as I so want to do. But my mind has shut down as a result of everything else that has happened this year. I feel numb and alone. A post traumatic stress sort of thing...Even thinking straight is difficult. Planning and executing 'any' action plan seems so beyond my capabilities at the moment. I am struggling to accomplish basic daily functions. And trying to keep my partner alive has drained me of the strength I need to save myself. I am surely adrift in my dark night of the soul...

This is the reason I have not updated my blog…I am in the throes of a giant pity party....which I have given myself permission to have all weekend...I am ashamed of my feelings and lack of abilities, as I have always been the one to see a dozen solutions to any given problem. And, for the life of me, I can’t come up with one solution...........



But I believe when I get through this...I will be a better human being...with a better grasp of my life's purpose....until then, please don't give up on me!

meanwhile, i have retreated into the studio where i find solace in creation...hopefully an answer/solution will come...i am learning detachment...the journey continues...


Don't forget to visit my other blog, The Artist as a Spiritual Explorer click here...

15 comments:

corina said...

I love "A new earth" and I think we have a great chance to live NOW

Doe Grozs Art said...

oh yeah... I'd definitely be having a temper tantrum. Reading Tolle's book and other's like it, is a great help. I'm reading Alberto Villoldo's The Four Insights.
I just returned from a 2 week trip to Peru and that always puts things into perspective. So much to learn in this lifetime.......
You are in my prayers. I am sure the Universe has something wonderful in store for you and am eager to see what it will be!!
"and this too shall pass.."
sending love and light,
Doreen

KaiBlueCreations said...

Aloha Rebecca,
I've had a huge mind muddle, mostly having words and not knowing what to say or how to get them out.
For some reason,there is peace here.
Blessings,
PEace, Kai

qualcosa di bello said...

all i can say to you right now is that you are prayed for every single day (i have been doing so since your posts about your significant other's depression) & i will continue to do so. i cannot possibly imagine that a loving, creative, faith-filled soul like you will not soon receive an answer~~ you will!! lots of love...

Mary Timme said...

Our resistance to change makes it hard, not change itself. When I'm not listening, and it is hard to listen with a giant ego, just ask me, to what God would have me learn, I find that I'm in a mess. Can that be where you are? I don't know, but, I do know I pride (oh, damned word that is made of 5 simple letters!) keeps me coming up with answers when I should have been listening and that is why I mention it. Blessings on your edeavors.

rochambeau said...

Thinking of you Rebecca!
Yes there is solace in creation! Your right things will get better, life does go in phases. You're up for some good things in your life now :-)!
xox
Consatnce

see you there! said...

When I look at the lovely angel print you gave me last year I feel the strength and (yes) the joy of your spirit. It is there. It might be hiding at the moment but it is there.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

Darla

NeereAnDear said...

First of all dear Rebecca you need to stop being so hard on yourself... The feelings you are having are only natural... you have been through and experienced so much this past year...

I know from experience how hard it is to see the light at the end of the tunnel... and to find the solution to the problem....

Nothing angers me more than people who say you must be POSTIVE every single day... you are drained... I am not saying that you should be negative but you have a right to scream ....cry... laugh... dance... yell... whatever you feel like doing... those emotions are normal.. and you are going through a grieving process of sorts....once you do that then you will find that strength to move forward... its not going to be easy... but friends and support... it helps.. and no one here is going to give up on you... just one thing ....

Dont YOU give up on YOU!!

SENDING LOADS OF HUGS... LOVE AND PRAYERS YOUR WAY

JO

suze said...

Rebecca,
You are also in my prayers. I don't know what advice to give you.I was once in a situation like yours and I had a child to care for, but I was very young and finally turned to family for help.
I just have this feeling deep inside that everything will work out for you.
Hang in there.
Sending love,
suze

Vallen said...

I say go for the tantrum - it just might shake something loose. I know the hardest thing in the world is to not cocoon but just moving ahead, even with bitsy baby steps, will bring you to a place further along than you are now. It's scary and it's unfair and it's just plain hard but you are a solid woman and you will find a new place to fit.

Annie said...

Dear One - Neereandear took the words right out of my mouth. I was mulling your words over and thinking that all of the difficulties and transitioning that have been like little deaths. So many adjustments coming so quickly and so little time to adjust in between. Please give yourself a good break. It does no harm to focus for a while on all the hurt and pain and anxiety. You have stores of faith and spirit that will carry you through and eventually light the way and show you the way out. Never doubt it.

Melissa @ The Inspired Room said...

Dearest,

Life is so hard sometimes, I feel for you and see your pain. My husband has had a series of those "what else could possibly go wrong" times in life this past year...and it is so hard to hold on. You want to trust God but you are wondering where He is though it all. But remember, He sees things we cannot. He knows every tear we cry. We can rest assured He cares and IS watching out for us. I know you are not alone, even when you might feel that you are. Just take each day one step at a time. It is fine to have tantrums, but then pick yourself up and take another step. I'm all for tantrums. Keep in touch with people so they can help you be strong.

Love and hugs,
Melissa

Oh, I would love if you could make a button for the DRIVE BYS: AROUND THE WORLD!!! I was thinking one should be a bit bigger so I could use it on a post, like the size of a photo and then one could be tiny, like a little square you could put in a side bar. I'm not picky about it, really. Whatever you think would work. I'm making this up as I go, as usual.

xoxo

Sherry/Cherie said...

Some of the best things that have happened in my life have been because of changes that occurred out of the blue -- and after a large pity party...kind of like that old rainbow after a storm...

susanna said...

Oh, Rebecca... I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all this. Well, of course, you are going to be upset! And you are perfectly allowed to throw a tantrum! Remember, though, that YOU are NOT your job. I imagine most people in your life who love you would describe you in other ways and I'm betting your former job description wouldn't be the first thing out of their mouths.

Dealing with a loved one's depression and attempted suicide...well, that's such a heavy burden and filled with so much heartache. Have you found a support group in your area? Maybe leaning on someone's shoulder, someone who has or is experiencing what you are, might help?

Stay strong! You're a creative and generous spirit. There WILL be easier and happier days to come.

Tally said...

although this post of you I'm answering is not recent
I stumbled onto your blog on Saturday, don't remember how
I don*t believe in coincidences
One of your post about "enabling" really shaked (shook?).
Had to think about all day long because I'm in quite a resembling situation. It really touched me.
Haven't read a lot in your blog but for sure will.

I hope so much everything will turn out good for you and me and our (former) compaignons.
:-Tally-:

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