The SuperWoman Drama Queen's Demise...

we all have super powers...right? Me...the consummate drama queen super woman has met her match...LIFE smacked me upside the head and may have caused the demise of the drama queen that was moi!!!

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

i am not sure i will ever be the same again...there seems no normal...no place to find peace of mind...i am sad and crying one moment...angry the next...scared out  of my wits the next...all my emotional nerve endings are exposed and raw...i have lost the ability to cope...and i am in pain...

at some point during the 2 weeks i was on suicide watch...i tried to pick my loved one up in a chaise lounge...i broke the chaise...and i broke me...i have a torn ligament in my pelvis and caused a hernia...when it became impossible for me to take even a few steps without excruciating pain...i went to the emergency room...and i have been ordered to bed rest...the pain pills are not working on the pain, but they do allow me to sleep...the anti inflammatory seems to work better...

this is what the idealist does when control is out of her capabilities...and the idealist drama queen crashes into a giant pity party...weeping endlessly...wildly angry...and finally falling into a restless, fitful sleep...

tomorrow is the family meeting with my loved one and his therapists...i am supposed to speak my truth...for, i am assured,  that will be the only way to begin the healing process...i am angry that he decided to check out of our life...i am sad about the same thing...and terrified about what the future holds or even if there is a future...his abstract negativity and hopelessness seem to suck the air out of the world...i find it very difficult to breathe...

i know that after a very dark, difficult time there is some large transition planned for you...we must trust God, even when engulfed in darkness and doubt....that trust thing again...how bad do things have to get for me to begin to trust??? is that my lesson??? 

"We must live", says the pastor in Ingmar Bergman's Winter Light to a man contemplating suicide. "WHY must we live?" retorts the man. This question occupies a central place in Bergman's art and life, as indeed it should in the life of every human being. In answer to this question, the pastor in Winter Light says nothing and lowers his eyes, indicating in this way the impotence of faith to supply the answer to this most important question. *

this disquieting question, which demands introspection and self-examination, is what i have been struggling with for some time...the complete impotence one feels when you love someone contemplating their own suicide...the inability to reach them and make them give a damn...the realization that loving them is not enough...and loving you is not a reason for them to live...

In Bergman's "The Hour of the Wolf" there is a remarkable scene, in which a few moments from Mozart's "Magic Flute" are depicted on the stage of a miniature theater. The opera's main character, in the course of his quest, finds himself engulfed in complete darkness and cries out:

"Eternal night,
when willst thou flee?
When will mine eyes
The daylight see?"

After a moment of desperate silence, he receives the answer from afar: "Soon, soon...or never."

these harsh explorations have become part and parcel of my life this year...i bring them here for people to understand that mental illness should be spoken of...these are not bad people...just very sick people...and if you let them they can make you sick also...when will my eyes daylight see???

Don't forget to visit my other blog,The Artist as a Spiritual Explorer here...there is a lot of art and good stuff there...



* http://www.hal-pc.org/~questers/bergman.html

Our deepest fear continued...

i am writing this to help myself make sense of this journey and for all those many people who have expressed to me how my voicing the topic of mental illness has helped them...

on wednesday of this week, my family normal changed forever...my loved one drove to another state, parked his car on a bridge, and wrote a suicide letter...he did one other thing before he was going to jump...he called me to say goodbye...

i have hidden the car keys for two weeks now...so i could keep an eye on him every minute...he had an appointment with a psychiatrist wednesday at noon...he left a little early saying he was going to get a hamburger...when he was not home by 2:30...i knew that something was wrong...

about 3:35...the call came on my cell phone...he wanted me to know about the life insurance policy and that he had written a letter for his family...i did not know what to do...i ran to my neighbor's hoping to get her to call the police...she was not home...

so i dialed our daughter (in atlanta) at work on the land line and held my cell close so she could hear what he was saying...she was as panicked as I was...she hung up and called the local police...within a few minutes my land line rang and it was the sheriff's dispatcher...peggy...i laid my cell down and told her what i knew...he was not on the island any more...had a suicide note...his cell number to trace the signal...his car make and model...and that i had him on the phone...she told me to keep him talking and try to find out where he was...

i talked, pleaded, begged him to tell me for over 2 hours...by this time there were police at the house...robertson...and searching for the car...and peggy was listening with me to mike...after 2 hours he told me where he was...on the top of a bridge...

in what seemed like an eternity...peggy told me that the police were closing the bridge and paramedics would be with him in seconds...and they were...officers chase and elliott...

the joyful news is that he was taken to a wonderful treatment facility where the staff actually seems to care about his life...unlike the psych wards in jacksonville who kept him 3 days, released him with a handfull of pills and made him sign a paper that he would not harm himself or others...that didn't work...

i was assured that he will not be released from this facility until he is no longer suicidal...the administrator has taken an interest in his case and i can finally take a sigh of relief for now...his wonderful brothers also came down to help me and to visit him...a gift for us both......there is so much to attend to...and he is so angry with us for stopping him...

and. of course, his diagnosis was wrong...they believe that he is manic depressive...i believe that the meds he was on precipitated this suicidal situation...he was not this way before taking them...

i am barely able to function at the moment...i called my doctor who told me to rest and do something i love...could there be paint in my near future??? 

although i am releived for the time being...we are far from a return to safe and calm place...it is just the beginning...but it is a beginning...i am thankful that we have a beginning...i am hopeful that he has found the place that cares about the person he is...the beautiful shattered spirit...so fragile...that i have loved for over 25 years now...please continue to pray for my family...

Don't forget to visit my other blog,The Artist as a Spiritual Explorer here...there is a lot of art and good stuff there...

photos:
http://www.citynoise.org/article/2794
http://en.structurae.de/structures/data/index.cfm?ID=s0000929

Our deepest fear...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. Its not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to so the same. As we were liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others" -a quote of Marianne Williamson from " Return to Love" a reflection in the Course of Miracles, not that of Nelson Mandela as ften stated...

please click here to watch this short video clip...it will change your life....or, at least, adjust your perspective a little...

liberated from fear...this has been my constant prayer for the past few weeks now...my fear that i will loose my loved one and his fear that is clouded by the lies that bind him in deep depression...

living with someone who is in depression is not easy...it consumes our entire life...it is ever present...the pink elephant in the room...we try to ignore...my journey has become very small...encapsulated into getting through the next minute...looking too far ahead is foggy...there seems to be no clarity...just survival...

i love the above quote, whomever wrote it...to remember i am a powerful child of God helps me to be strong when i don't want to...to breathe when it hurts...to stay when i want to run...

i miss my visits to you and have been so blessed with your caring responses and love...every message helps me...every prayer is powerful...i believe that soon i can return to some kind of normal...until then know that i am taking things minute by minute...and my heart is lifted by your visits...

Depression Miracle...

Cre8Tiva is very sad today...my dear one attempted suicide on friday morning...he is in the hospital now...it took me about 50 hours of prayer and pleading (without any sleep) for him to go...finally he was so scared himself, that he asked to go...he looked at me and said, "i am really sick." before this attempt he...talked about committing suicide...did not eat for days and could not sleep...would wake up screaming if he did...had drastic changes in behavior...had recent, severe financial losses...lost interest in his personal appearance...did not shave or bathe for days...plus had all of the signs as listed below...

The website Concerned Counseling says, "They often welcome sleep and experience their waking life as a living nightmare." every waking moment is hellish  for him...i witnessed it...

i could have called 911 to haul him away...but i just did not have the heart to do it...

depression is a very dark place...you can not reach them when they are there...i am a fixer by nature...the creative idea girl...but i cannot fix this...no amount of love, or care, or anything can do it...they must do it themselves...if they can...

but out of this darkness that surrounds the entire family and certainly the house...i witnessed a miracle today...

when i took him to the hospital at 8 am this morning, he would not get out of the car...so i drove to my church...mass started at 8 am this morning...i drove up at 8:30, just hoping that i could find a way to make him get help...as i parked right in front, i looked up and the door opened and a monk walked out and down the stairs...i knew that God had intervened and sent him to help...i asked him to talk to m...he spoke to him about 15 minutes...and convinced him to go to the emergency room...

what is the miracle...this is not a staff member of my church...and i have never seen a priest or brother leave mass in the middle...but one did today, at the very moment i drove up to the church...Divine intervention??? i believe!!!

when i was writing this tonight i looked at the visitors listed in my sidebar and one was The website Concerned Counseling...when i clicked a page about major depression came up...is this another help from above??? what brought them to my website??? today???

These are some of the feelings and things they experience:

• Can’t stop the pain
  
• Can’t think clearly
  
• Can’t make decisions
  
• Can’t see any way out
  
• Can’t sleep, eat or work
  
• Can’t get out of depression
  
• Can’t make the sadness go away
  
• Can’t see a future without pain
  
• Can’t see themselves as worthwhile
  
• Can’t get someone’s attention
  
• Can’t seem to get control

Here are some ways to be helpful to someone who is threatening suicide:

• Be direct. Talk openly and matter-of-factly about suicide.
  
• Be willing to listen. Allow expressions of feelings. Accept the feelings.
  
• Be non-judgmental. Don’t debate whether suicide is right or wrong, or feelings are good or bad. Don’t lecture on the value of life.
  
• Get involved. Become available. Show interest and support.
  
• Don’t dare him or her to do it.
  
• Don’t act shocked. This will put distance between you.
  
• Don’t be sworn to secrecy. Seek support.
  
• Offer hope that alternatives are available but do not offer glib reassurance.
  
• Take action. Remove means, such as guns or stockpiled pills.
  
• Get help from persons or agencies specializing in crisis intervention and suicide prevention.

if you have time, please pray for my family...

Da Da Da Dahhhhhh....

self  portrait 2008
a new Look for Cre8Tiva...how do you like the new banner and logo...I have been busy busy designing an identity package for the blog...and for Cre8Tiva...

in celebration we have a gift for you...2 tags for your use...you may use them for anything you want...they were designed with adobe illustrator templates...and personalized...just e-mail me at e-mail me and i will forward you a pdf file...

i am busily preparing for my workshops at creative palette 2008...i have decided to stencil for my demos...most people do not know the correct way to stencil...that means using a dry brush!!! so i am going to show them how to make a leaf and then shade and shadow it...for the goody bag i am going to give a stencil pattern, the tags above and a promo piece about my business...creativity workshops and retreats, business coaching, and web and blog design...

and i am about to burst with joy...

The Biggest NewsBoutique Cre8Tiva is ready to launch

Boutique Cre8Tiva, a small shopping outlet, that specialises in elite and one of a kind artwork, accessories, and fashionable clothing. Look for it in the next 2 weeks...

Expectations...Help Wanted...

the art of Carmen at Strawberries and Champagne
My beautiful friend Carmen wrote a very wise post in November... I encourage you to read it...so click here ...it is worth the time...

She writes:

"We bloggers love to be creative, to be hopeful. In order for this I think You have to be an astute observer and sometimes save your words and reactions, yes, I say reactions, not actions.

You have to know when negativity wants to affect you. Negativity is not neccesarily coming from a person, like a boss, family, friend or anyone else. The majority of the times, It is our own thoughts provoking negativity. I have no doubt there are negative or stubborn people who wants to bring you down in order for them to feel good. Please don't allowed them to have power over you. I no longer suffer trying to please a negative person in order to be loved or being recognized. I am content I did what I could. If it didn't work, not my problem anymore if that person wish to go down in that way is that person's loss.

Can I tell you a secret? That person is suffering and needs you not to react. Eventually, that person will come into your life again, hopefully as a new person. Have faith."

Have Faith...i have needed large amounts of faith recently...i have been so inundated with work and learning how to live with a loved one who is having a major depressive episode...that i have neglected my blogs...and my readers...i know you understand, but it has been on my mind...

i have been overwhelmed with the responses to my writing about the mental illness called depression...many of you have thanked me for having the courage to write about it...it is not courageous of me, dialog is necessary to take the stigma away...these are not bad people, they are sick people...whose disease is scary and frightening to witness...and even more so to live...

UPDATE>>watching someone you love fall into the deep pit of depression (major clinical depression) is a scary and frustrating experience...and you feel totally helpless...the burden on both of us is tremendous...the disease becomes the center of attention...you want him to snap himself out of it...to get up and smile, and stop being negative...but he cannot...

when he has an anxiety attack, his face literally changes...his eyes bug out, his lips disappear into his mouth, he tugs at his face...and it is frightening to witness...no amount of love or caring can reach him...he is deep down inside himself, dwelling on something or everything...it is the disease...the depression lying to him...the depression stealing his life...it is not reality, yet it is 'his' reality...

yet i have expectations...that the medication will work...that the episodes will lessen their wicked hold on him...that he will return to his normal self soon...the negativity that is his world right now will dissipate...today they are just that...expectations...

on the upside of my life...the magazine is scheduled for the presses next week...the catalog and the newsletter are printed and mailed...

this week i am working on handouts and a demo i am doing at the creative palette convention in st. marys, georgia next weekend...my class is first on this page...expectations abound...

I NEED YOUR HELP!!!...any suggestions would be more than welcome...i have to give a 10-minute demo about 5 times...and i have to have some sort of goodie bag for the 50 participants...and i am at a loss about what to do and give...Yes...Miss Cre8Tiva herself is blocked...this seemed like a great idea back in september of last year when i agreed to do it...i am 'expecting' to come up with something fantastic and memorable...and i have 5 days to do it...expecting too much??? perhaps...i am fragile right now too...

yet i have been able to make some art during this time...i will share twiggie and sprig soon...i also owe so many of you a big thank you...i will do that this week also...i was in atlanta this week to see may daughter try on wedding gowns...to visit my doctor...and do some other errands...i did not have internet access as my laptop is still sick and the hotel internet was iffy at best...so i will be catching up with you all too... i am still counting my blessings...

i forgot to remember valentine's day...it is one of my favorite holidays...i am sad...here's my treat for you...

Don't forget to visit my other blog, The Artist as a Spiritual Explorer click here...

My Plate is Overly Full...

my plate is so full you can't even see the plate anymore... "My plate is full" is an idiom used to say to someone else that i have all the work i can handle...i have no extra hours in the day for anything else...i am at my wits end trying to do everything...i have boxed myself into a corner with all these deadlines coming at once...
where has the week gone??? i have been busy with that four letter word called

w o r k
i have a lot to tell you...first, i have been working on the magazine...for those of you who read the mag, this issue is full of great articles and how to's...i am the editor of a 56-page, 4-color quarterly publication called "The Artistic Stenciler"...it is published by the non-profit educational organization called the Stencil Artisans League, Inc....SALI for short...i find the articles...write or rewrite most of them...choose the photos...and do the production as well...vanessa of fanciful twist and tracie huscamp and painter girl and helen morris and many others have appeared on the pages...and carolina girl jeanette will be in this issue...you could be next..here are covers of some of the issues...

i have a new baby...yes the over-the-top computer station known as an iMac...with a screen like a television...i can work on it across the room...with my wireless keyboard and might mouse and even a remote control...in order to do high-level graphic and web design...

2.4 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo processor with 4MB shared L2 cache at full processor speed
800MHz system bus, 2GB (one SO-DIMM) of PC2-5300 (667MHz) DDR2 memory,
Two SO-DIMM slots support up to 4GB

i am also working on a new catalog for Callanwolde Fine Arts Center in Atlanta...

and i just finished a newsletter project for my new boss...yes, i have a new job with the young man i wrote about a few posts ago...

then i have an order for art for my newest gallery in west palm beach...

UPDATE>>>and i have had to deal with the consequences of my last post...after he was released from the hospital...with anti depressant and anti-anxiety meds...we have been climbing upward one baby step at a time...he was a little confused when he told me he was manic/depressive...he is not, but has major clinical depression...this illness does not swing like a pendulum...it drops like a 10,000 pound lead weight on the person who has it...as well as the entire family...getting the weight off yourself and crawling out from under it is a lifetime job...for everyone involved...if you choose to stay...some relationships survive...some do not...

although the term "depression" is commonly used to describe a temporary depressed mood when one "feels blue", clinical depression is a serious illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts that cannot simply be willed or wished away. It is often a disabling disease that affects a person's work, family and school life, sleeping and eating habits, general health and ability to enjoy life. The course of clinical depression varies widely: depression can be a once in a life-time event or have multiple recurrences, it can appear either gradually or suddenly, and either last for few months or be a life-long disorder. Having depression is a major risk factor for suicide; in addition, people with depression suffer from higher mortality from other causes.

surprisingly, stress has been shown to play a major role in the patient's first two episodes of major depression, but not in later episodes. Genetics and temperament appear to play the most important role for later episodes of a patient's depression...it appears that major depression often requires stress to "get the ball rolling", but after a few episodes, the illness develops its own momentum and no longer needs stress to "keep rolling". This is a familiar pattern seen in many medical illnesses. Thus, the treatment of major depression must address the major contribution that stress, genetics and temperament play in this disorder. Unfortunately, most current therapies lack this well-rounded approach.

i am getting help to deal with this...and learning to set boundaries...and enforce them...i have always been a 'you do your thing and i'll do mine' kind of girl/woman/child...even though i am a strong and capable business person, i do not do well with interpersonal relationships...it's that trust thing again...i have my heart in a box (i discovered this in a guided meditation a few years ago) and i do not keep the box with me...it is far away where it can be safe and protected from being broken...i love unabashedly, but do not expect or demand love in return...and that is what i get...talk about manifesting...

it seems i am comfortable loving and caring for someone who is incapable of returning this to me...is it beginning to make sense???

so i have missed visiting with you while i am holed up with my new computer...and trying to cope with my new life issues...i'll see daylight sometime next week...meanwhile, know that i love you all...

Don't forget to visit my other blog,The Artist as a Spiritual Explorer here...there is a lot of art and good stuff there...

photos...
www.laist.com/attachments/lindsayrebecca/PlateOfFoodAtSAW.jpg

www.umich.edu/news/research/images/bluehouse250.jpg