Thursday, April 17, 2008

Open to the Possibilities of Change...

for those of us in the midst of realizing that our plans for ourselves may be different from those of our destiny....life can be confusing, exciting, terrifying, enthralling...and more than a little off balance...

Today's Intention on my October 14, 2007 post was:

ask for the ancient path...and walk in it...

"Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient path, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." (Jeremiah 6:16)

to the reflective mind, i am in the midst of a major spiritual transition where i am to grow my higher wisdom...i have created all the experiences in my life...to learn specific lessons, hopefully gaining wisdom and understanding within the process...if learned, i integrate the lessons into my being...if not, i am bound to repeat them until i do...

i must admit that my perception of a perfect world may be skewed...i have been searching for a way of fitting or molding my future according to the conditions unfolding in my life...i did not choose them...i did not even see them coming...but they happened nonetheless....

the focus of my energies shifted to survival...my long-term goals dissolved into immediate life-saving concerns...and my personal world became very small...

practicality is the main goal of each day (and i am so not practical)...forward visioning has been put aside until i become more centered...i find myself betwixt and between reality and possibility... the confusion, illusion, and delusion can get the better of me if i allow it...i choose not to allow it...

so i am embracing the prospects and possibilities of a destiny much different than what i had planned...even with this new year's resolutions...

during this journey i have been forced to take inventory and open baggage that had been so carefully tucked away....i am confronting my worst fears-loss of security, my job, my home...but i am discovering a new strength...a new wisdom...even a new power (if i dare to speak it)...

i realize that i am moving into a new paradigm where my sense of restriction is vanishing...my fading commitments and obligations have become obstacles to my getting to my new and improved future...

"an artist is born..." 2007 - Graphite drawing, color photos, PhotoShop on paper


a metamorphosis of mind, body and soul is underway...even as i commit this to visual form in writing, i am feeling the release...the more powerful woman emerging...with reverence and respect for myself, with individuality, and a comprehensive moral purpose....

miracles are all around us...whether we choose to believe or not...and we may question that statement especially when we find ourselves knee deep in the muck we have created for ourselves..

our destiny is controlled by the choices we make...pessimism and cynicism can seep into our being just as optimism and hope can...one of my best life lessons was coming to fully understand that we can choose our attitude...and that one choice then influences our behaviors...which lead us toward the creation of a new future...

just for today i will remain open to the possibility of change...

Don't forget to visit my other blog, The Artist as a Spiritual Explorer click here...

ps...GREAT NEWS!!!!  after posting today...i received a job offer...it is a good one for this tiny island...and the answer to my prayers...i will be retouching photos in photoshop...for vacation portraits...wish me luck returning to the work force after 18 years working for myself...well, technically, i am still working for myself as it is a contract job...but i am excited that my prayers have been answered!!!


Sunday, April 6, 2008

A Journey Into Isolation...

And the winner is...my dear attitudy judy...enjoy!!! Your package will be winging it's way to you tomorrow...before i forget...thank you to all who entered and who spoke about who my blog is for... some changes are brewing in the next few months...

our island home

Sunday Musings...
the first few months of 2008 has been a test of huge proportions...i have had to face some difficult truths about myself in the process...enabling/ co=dependent/ fixer that i am...it has been a strange journey for me...my journey into isolation and doubt and fear, unimaginable fear...

as promised, i will chronicle my journey this year...the journey began soon after Christmas...while the public, edited chronicling began on January 20th with the entries about my loved one (mlo)...these will continue with my perspective and truth...

getting to the core of who we are requires us to step far outside our individual comfort zone...i have been far out of mine these past few months...what i have come to understand during this process is:

each of us must simply find our own way...

i have also come to understand that i care most intensely about intimacy in my relationships and with my God...i long for real life connections...with the people, the places, and the feelings that connect me to God...and comprise the midst of the mystery of myself and my place in this universe...which I may never completely comprehend...

to progress, i must always go within...it is a survival technique for me...during this inward process, wounds that i did not consciously know i had, have surfaced...subconscious strangleholds which are limiting my growth..i am healing them one by one...or attempting to...with the help of a few close friends and support from you, my blog friends...

the circumstances have also shattered my thoughts of reality...how i 'thought' my life was...this perception gave me great comfort...a desire to remain in 'the way things were'...i imagine, just as a suddenly-widowed woman has to mourn the loss of her partner as well as her life and life style...i have had to struggle with this reality...even though i did not bury mlo...i have lost him non the less...and the life style i had grown so comfortably complacent with...is no more...and i mourn...

although i am sad, i am also learning things about myself...i am discovering strength i did not know i possessed...yesterday, i drove to atlanta (13+hours round-trip) to get his prescriptions filled at his hmo...one of his prescriptions was $684, another $384, another $170, and another $19.95...we could only afford 5 days worth ($340+)...so i had no choice but to make the trek to fetch his necessary, life-saving pills...they were $120 from the hmo...driving is far outside my comfort zone...my 1994 car has less that 85,000 miles on it...that is approximately 5,600 miles per year...i don't drive much...

seasons of life...
you know how you know something, but think if you don't voice it, it may not happen...i have been doing this for some time now...not voicing...avoiding...seasons end...things progress...the old dies and is replaced with new growth...i am saying goodbye to many seasons this year...my season as editor of this magazine is coming to an end...11 years taking it from a newsletter to a beautiful 4-color publication is my legacy to the world of art...

i am also facing the truth that my season in our beautiful little island home is coming to an end...i am in the process of searching for a place where i can earn enough to support myself...the jobs available here are the $8 - $10/hour kind that will not pay my first mortgage...the graphic design job that i spoke of here never materialized...just minimal freelance work...not enough to keep me here...

this house has been a haven of peace for me...when i was teaching and traveling so much in the early 2000s...i would come here to relax and unwind...i will miss it's happiness and calm...

some interior shots...i promised them for some time now...click on each to enlarge...

the front entry

come in...the great room looking out on lanai

the dining room (my mural)

a fav vignette

breakfast room

kitchen

the great room looking into the library/music room at right...move-in day

my beloved books...library/music room - sir chancelot in chair

my beloved piano - mlo plays for me

peaceful master

my peaceful fountain area of lanai

i will need much strength in the near future...as my normal is replaced with a new normal...i will need the support of my family and my friends as i move and reorder my life and my business...homes and possessions can be replaced...relationships form the core of my happiness...i am learning detachment...the journey continues...


Don't forget to visit my other blog, The Artist as a Spiritual Explorer click here...

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